ACCEPTANCE
The Goal of ACCEPTANCE is the challenge of learning how to make more loving choices in life- growing in your capacity to say YES, but mean it with integrity+honesty by first saying NO to something.
Acceptance means giving many chances & moving away from any conditions you have- for one to be acceptable, or for you to accept. As such, COMMONALITY is of prime importance to this Goal.
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NEGATIVE SPECTRUM
-Ingratiation ensues when you force yourself or others to falsely accept an incompatible/forced state, while behaving as if that falsehood is the truth.
So you either alter yourself to fulfill other's terms, expectations and standards by bending over backwards & doing what you think is necessary to be loved, to please, or be nice and liked- not allowing yourself to be truthful, and always trying to fit an acceptable mold.
Or you expect others to accept, forgive and “get over it” when they're offended, regardless of if they mean it- ingratiating them to fulfill your criteria for acceptance as the only way for them to be approved/acceptable- and not allowing them to be truthful in their expression.
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Ingratiation is always prompted by an inner sense of EMPTINESS- or a state of you/others having no form, no love- and the drive to create or discover that form/love you or others seem to lack.
This then shifts toward an outer-extreme of DESPERATION, as your actions are consumed by this rush to hopelessly accept and be acceptable even if it hurts or harms you/others. And anything against saying YES is met with shock, dismissal, defense etc. because to reject or be rejected is painful.
This is powerless, meaningless, empty and ungenuine in its expression- and often done simply out of fear, pressure or rote. Acceptance begins to feel like a damaging, degrading and diminishing experience, because you're locked in the idea that love must be conditional.
SLIDING
When you fall into -Ingratiation, you begin to feel an urge to -Reject growing within you, acting on this compulsion as you become exasperated by forcing yourself/others into acceptable behaviors.
To move into +Agape, you must +Refine, allowing yourself/others to say NO to that which is not in harmony with oneself, and stand one's ground with self-consideration. You can better accept and express what's unacceptable, if you first surround yourself with what is acceptable at the moment.
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You may also choose actions and experiences that help liberate you from your -Momentum of constant ingratiation; as when you do/think/feel more +Freely, this helps you practice creating peace and acceptance.
POSITIVE SPECTRUM
A shift into +Agape means you bring kindness+acceptance to your own and other's rejection, and rise above any pressure or obligation that expects you/them to say YES, accept, or be accepted.
So you Own your Ingratiation and then Accept it, helping you release from the pressure of conformity in favor of nurturing a truthful, genuine and unconditional path of acceptance that allows for any NO- while also clearly establishing everyone's values, boundaries and parameters of what's acceptable & unacceptable so all know where they stand & can more comfortably come together or expand beyond.
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All of this helps you leap into an extreme sense of BLIND PERMISSION.
Suddenly everything you do, are, say etc. becomes excusable, permissible and justified because you can love yourself now without question or accountability- and you might extend this permissive love to those closest to you, loving them no matter what, but with no interest or effort in loving anyone else beyond.
This then shifts over time towards an extreme sense of AMORPHOUS LOVE where you just affectionately "love everyone" without really even knowing them, because it is easy to.
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These extremes of Loving on a Larger-scale feel far more accomplished, but don't fully include everything- until you learn to Love on Smaller-scales and work to accept the more ugly, mundane and personal aspects of life too.
Agape resolves its extremes when you see the bigger picture and work through the details.
And Agape learns what to do or not do when choices/actions are unacceptable and harmful- knowing that just because someone is unacceptable, doesn't mean you don't accept them.
So your Acceptance of all perspectives involved then begins to prove love is powerful and embracing, because it now reflects that you+others can, will and do stand in your Truth.